


Sold to Wyld Stallyns (Self-Insert Fic)

by bigfeetbiggersocks



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Adoption, Crack Treated Seriously, Farkaul, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27837133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigfeetbiggersocks/pseuds/bigfeetbiggersocks
Summary: One day Y/N wakes up to find that they have been sold to their favorite band, Wyld Stallyns! Now you can leave you old life with your horrible abusive alcoholic drug addict chain-smoking stepmom behind, and start a new one with the band that unites the universe!-CW: Drug Mentions
Relationships: Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 50
Kudos: 27





	1. Being Sold ???

**Author's Note:**

> I have no notes for this except that I personally think it's my best fic by far and I'm excited asl to keep writing this w Kate  
> there's a huge twist at the end too so y'all better stay tuned for that 👁️👁️

I woke up, it was a Saturday morning, thankfully. I’m not popular at school, because I’m not like everyone else there. All the other kids listen to stuff they hear on the radio, like One Direction. I’m into more obscure music, stuff they haven’t even heard about. I don’t care about Harry Styles, I have my heart set on the four members of the greatest band in the universe.

I've always wanted to go to one of their concerts, Wyld Stallyns that is, but my abusive alcoholic chain-smoking crack addicted stepmom never lets me. She says that their music is stupid and rots my brain, but what does she know? She's just a bitch. 

I sat up in bed, but before I could do anything else, my horrible drug addict bitch of a stepmom burst into my room. She flicked her cigarette on the carpet, before turning to me.

"Y/N!" she yelled, her greasy brown locks falling into her face. "Start packing your shit." She puts one of her three cigarettes out on my favorite Wyld Stallyns poster, pulling another one from her back pocket and lighting it. I gasp, watching in horror as she ruins one of the four loves of my life, Billiam S. Preston Esq's face. She smirks at me before saying: "I sold you to help pay for my crack addiction." 

Sold? I knew that she was an awful alcoholic monster, but I never expected for this to happen! Before I can say anything, she turns around and leaves, slamming the door behind her. I feel tears slide down my face as I start to cry. I don’t even know how long I have to pack before meeting my new owners, but it’s not like I have much I want to keep since my terrible son of a bitch chain-smoking stepmom destroyed my Wyld Stallyns poster.

I grab a suitcase from under my bed and start throwing the few valuable items I have in it. My Wyld Stallyns t-shirt, my Wyld Stallyns socks, my limited edition Wyld Stallyns bra. I even grabbed my Wyld Stallyns dream journal and my favorite pen, the one with a picture of the Wyld Stallyns drummer, Joanna, on the side. I slam the suitcase shut and throw on a beanie, pushing all of my thick black locks under the hat and heading out the door, ready to meet whoever decided to buy me.

As I start the trek down the hallway to whatever fate has decided for me, I hear voices from the living room. It almost sounds like- but no it couldn’t be. When I got to the door leading into the living room, I looked into the muddy brown orbs of one of my new owners for the first time.

My bright green orbs meet his first, two dark pools of chocolate melting with mine as they connect. It's Ted "Theodore" Logan, one of the four people with a key to my heart. My heart is beating fast and my legs feel like Jell-O. He waves to me, his signature non crack addicted chain-smoking alcoholic smile across his face. I gasp and turn to face my bitch of a stepmom, who's sitting on the ratty old armchair doing a line of coke.

Just when I don’t think I could be anymore shocked, I hear a voice from the kitchen. It’s a voice I’ve heard many times before, singing on the records I had before my awful drug addicted smoker stepmom destroyed them.

I race to the kitchen, reluctantly pushing past the taller man and am met with yet another one of my idols. There, sitting alone at my beat-up table, is none other than Bill S. Preston Esq himself, singing along to Wyld Stallyns' newest hit single, "Noah's Wife". He stops singing to smile at me, expression just as drug free as Ted's, and introduces himself.

“How’s it going, dude? Guess you're the kid that we just bought. I’m Bill S. Preston Esq, have you met my most esteemed partner, Ted “Theodore” Logan?” he says, and his voice sounding clear, like he’d never smoked a day in his life, unlike my terrible awful no-good chain-smoking stepmom.

I gulp, my throat tightening up. I don't know what to say! I'm face to face with two of my idols, and apparently they've just purchased me, likely off of a no-good site like Gregslist, where I know my stepmom  
buys some of her crack. Luckily for me I don't have to respond, as Ted "Theodore" Logan comes up behind me, claps a hand on my shoulder, and continues the conversation.

“Bill my friend, our new child seems most disoriented. Maybe we should go home and meet up with the princesses, let them get settled in?” he says, his voice as smoke free as his friend’s. I feel my heart hammering in my chest, what does he mean “new child”?

I let them lead me away, not meeting my stepmom's disgustingly gray orbs as I exited. Bill S. Preston Esq even opens the door to the Wyld Stallyns official van for me, and he gestures for me to get inside. I throw my suitcase on the seat next to me and shuffle it, not bothering to buckle my seatbelt, because only dorks and furries did that. 

I hear Bill S. Preston Esq and Ted “Theodore” Logan get into the front seats. They start the van, and turn on some music. I recognize the song immediately, it’s from Wyld Stallyns’ second album “Short Dead Dude”. It was the first of my records to be destroyed when my disgusting alcoholic stepmom got drunk and mad at me for having such good taste in music. The Wyld Stallyns official van pulls out of the driveway, and I get ready for the rest of my life to begin.

The ride to my new home isn't horribly long, and the beautiful sound of Ted "Theodore" Logan humming keeps me entertained. The first thing I noticed when we pull into the driveway is the beautiful garden out front, and the woman tending to it. I can't see her face, which is buried in a rose bush, but I can make out soft brown waves of hair with tints of pink at the tips. From the back of her head alone I can guarantee that this woman is most excellently gorgeous.

The doors of the van slide open, and Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan are standing outside them, looking exactly like they do in the poster I had, before my nasty abusive former stepmom destroyed it. I gulp, unsure of what to do. I wasn’t expecting to meet my idols when I woke up this morning.

"Liz!" Ted "Theodore" Logan shouts, making the pretty lady turn her head and- oh my god! It's Elizabeth from Wyld Stallyns! She smiles at me, sweetly and ever so drug free, and rushes over to give me a hug. 

The hug is warm, and reminds me of how my mom used to hug me before she left, leaving me alone with my abusive nasty chain-smoking crack addict stepmom. I lean into it, but it’s gone too soon when Elizabeth from Wyld Stallyns pulls back to look me in the face.

"Y/N! It's so nice to meet you! Theodore and Billiam have told me so much about you, and your Gregslist description was most resplendent." She offers her hand to me and I take it, letting her lead me inside their home. Her skin is soft and callus-free, likely because she's never rolled a joint or cracked records in half by hand.

The inside of their house is everything I’ve ever imagined. I can see their guitars sitting on the couch, and the walls are filled with photos of all of Wyld Stallyns on various occasions. I pinch myself, sure this is a dream and I'll wake up soon to my horrid drug addict stepmom flicking her cigarette in my face. Ted “Theodore” Logan must notice that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, because he frowns and turns to Elizabeth from Wyld Stallyns and Bill S. Preston Esq.

"Dudes, I know that we're most excited to show Y/N their new home but they look heinously exhausted." Elizabeth from Wyld Stallyns and Bill S. Preston Esq nod their heads in agreement.

"Maybe we should show them to their new bedroom?" Elizabeth from Wyld Stallyns suggests.

Bill S. Preston Esq nods his head thoughtfully, before saying what’s on his mind, “While I agree that Y/N looks most exhausted, how could we possibly let them settle in without meeting Jo first?”

"Bill, my prestigious partner, that is a most excellent idea." Ted "Theodore" Logan says. He opens a door to another room, and cheerfully shouts "Joanna!", his signature jingle jangle-free smile situated on his face.

“Joanna? From Wyld Stallyns?” I say as I seem to finally find my voice. It’s not the first thing I would choose to say to my lifelong idols, but at this point I’m still not convinced that this isn’t a dream. Bill S. Preston Esq turns to look at me, with an easy molly-free grin.

I watch as Joanna from Wyld Stallyns enters the room, her long legs carrying her so gracefully across the floor. Her posture is great, nothing like my horrendous ex-stepmom's, and her hair bounces elegantly across her shoulders. She extends a hand and I take it, taking notice of how firm her handshake is.

“You must be Y/N! It’s so nice to meet you! I’m Joanna!” She says. Her smile is just as drug free as her friends’ and sister’s, and it immediately makes me trust her even more than I already did. I want to say something, but it seems like my voice has once again gotten stuck in my throat, leaving me unable to respond.

I simply nod in acknowledgement, and watch as she returns to the other room, leaving me with Bill S. Preston Esq, Ted "Theodore" Logan, and Elizabeth from Wyld Stallyns. 

"Y/N, dude, would you like me to show you your room? It's truly exceptional."

Ted “Theodore” Logan leads me down the hallway, to what I assume is my new bedroom. When he opens the door, I almost feel like crying with joy. It’s much bigger than my room with my horrible chain-smoking stepmom, and to my relief, I see versions of the Wyld Stallyns merch she destroyed in there. Before I can say anything to Ted “Theodore” Logan, I let out a yawn.

He smiles at me from the doorway and gestures to the bed. "Sweet dreams, little dude." he says before disappearing down the hallway. Unlike my ex-stepmom he shuts the door behind him, granting me some privacy. I place my suitcase on the official Wyld Stallyns x Ikea dresser and throw my beanie and converse in the corner, getting ready to curl up in my new bed.

I shut my eyes as I tuck myself into the official Wyld Stallyns bedsheets, wondering what the next day will bring, and if it could possibly be better than this one, the day already bought on by Wyld Stallyns.


	2. New Family

I awake to the sound of my phone's alarm clock blaring. It's set to one of my favorite Wyld Stallyns songs: "Don't be Dead, Dude". I love how emotional the lyrics are. The line "You fell out of your suit of armor for me" always makes me tear up a little. It's just so good, you wouldn't get it.

When I opened my eyes, I wasn’t in the tiny bedroom in my horrible awful chain-smoking stepmom’s house. Does that mean? I thought it was a dream, but it seems like it’s a reality. Yesterday, I was actually sold to Wyld Stallyns. I turn my head, looking at the wall, which is covered in official Wyld Stallyns wallpaper. The wallpaper shows a picture of Bill S. Preston Esq and Ted “Theodore” Logan doing their signature air guitar. They air guitar like they’ve never done crystal meth, unlike my terrible abusive alcoholic former stepmom.

As much as I'd love to stare at the gorgeous faces of Bill S. Preston Esq and Ted "Theodore" Logan all day, I have things to do. I stretch my arms over my head and toss my Wyld Stallyns official bedsheets to the side, sliding out of bed. The room is absolutely massive compared to the closet of a room that bitch gave me in my old home, so it takes me a little while to reach the dresser (the fact that I'm distracting by the handsome and drug-free eyes of wallpaper Ted "Theodore" Logan doesn't help me, either). When I do eventually get there, though, I open the drawers and begin searching for the perfect outfit to wear today.

I didn’t bring many clothes with me, but luckily the drawers are filled with new clothing for me to wear. I grab one of my own items, a Wyld Stallyns Santa Carla concert tee-shirt, along with my limited edition Wyld Stallyns bra. After I put those on, I grab a pair of the official Wyld Stallyns Bill S. Preston Esq jeans, and an official Wyld Stallyns Ted “Theodore” Logan jacket. Once I’m almost fully dressed, I grab my signature beanie and converse, and put them on. I lace the shoes over my limited edition Joanna from Wyld Stallyns socks. Just when I’m ready to go, I remember that I never got to see the rest of the house. I don’t know where anything is! But I swallow my anxiety, and open the door to my new bedroom anyway, curious what I’ll find in the Wyld Stallyns official house.

The first thing I see when I open my door is a long hallway, which is unfortunately not covered in Wyld Stallyns official wallpaper. There are pictures all over the walls, though, and I take the time to memorize each one as I make my way down the hall. My favorite is a photo of a man in an Abe Lincoln from Clone High cosplay, complete with the tophat and beard, doing a kegstand. Ted "Theodore'' Logan is holding his feet and Bill S. Preston Esq is cheering him on from behind the keg. Maybe I should start cosplaying.

While I stand in the hallway, I hear noise coming from my left. It sounds like someone moving around, opening and closing cabinets. I follow the sound, and when I finally get to the room, I realize it’s the Wyld Stallyns official kitchen. Standing by one of the counters is Bill S. Preston Esq. I go to greet him, but before I can, I notice something that shocks me to my core.

One of my four idols, Bill S. Preston Esq, is standing in the middle of his kitchen taking adderall! His drug-free smiles were a hoax! A scam! I'm instantly reminded of my evil stepmom and her druggie ways. My knees go weak as I recall all the times I've watched her crush up adderall to add to her morning protein smoothies. I can feel myself grow dizzy. I think I might pass out. 

Bill S. Preston Esq turns around, seemingly noticing my presence in the kitchen. The adderall container is still in his hand, and he doesn’t even seem ashamed to be caught in the act! He gives me a wave, before he starts talking like everything is normal, “Good morning, little dude. How did you sleep in your most non-heinous new bedroom?”

I gasp, sputtering slightly before I can collect my thoughts. 

"You're doing drugs! You addict!" My fists clench at my side and I can feel hot tears start streaming down my cheeks. I can't believe that the man I've looked up to since I was thirteen would do something so vile.

Bill S. Preston Esq furrows his brow in confusion at my proclamation, looking down at the tiny pills of death in his hand like he forgot they were there. I can’t believe he’s pretending that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about! Before I can say anything else, he turns back to me and speaks.

“I have ADHD, duder.”

I haven’t heard of something called “adhud” before, which is the nonsensical word that came out of his mouth. It’s probably some horrible synonym for drug addiction, something my disgusting evil addict stepmom would yell at me about during her drunken rants. I start crying harder, unsure if these are tears of sadness, anger, or both.

"Oh no, don't cry, little dude." I can feel somebody press a tissue to my face, but my eyes are closed too tightly to tell who. 

"I can't believe you would do this." I'm gasping between my words, body shaking from how hard I'm crying. I can feel a hand on my bicep now, most likely a weak attempt at comfort, and it makes me lose it further.

"You guys are all lying drug addicts, just like my crack-smoking whore of a stepmom!"

The hand on my bicep gently tugs me over to a chair, and I can hear people moving around the kitchen, voices whispering as though trying not to disturb someone. I keep crying until it feels like I can’t cry anymore, and that’s when I open my eyes. All the members of Wyld Stallyns are in the room now, but it’s Elizabeth from Wyld Stallyns who notices me staring first.

"Oh, Y/N, are you okay?" She reaches her hand out to me, but I swat it away.

"I don't touch druggies." She laughs, her free hand covering her mouth.

"Y/N, dear, Billiam was just taking his medication. None of Wyld Stallyns takes drugs, that would be truly heinous behavior."

I’m a little confused, but when I finally register what she’s said, I’m mortified. I accused Bill S. Preston Esq of Wyld Stallyns, one of my four idols, of being a no-good drug addict like my stepmom. How can any of them even stand to be around me after I did something so horrible?

I don't even know what to say, my guilt bringing tears to my eyes again. I can hear somebody say "oh no" behind me, but I don't know who. I manage to wipe the tears away before any can fall, though.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Bill S. Preston Esq of Wyld Stallyns. I should never have thought so bogusly of you." 

"It's okay, duder. And you can call me dad. My most excellent husband and I did adopt you after all." He's smiling again, and it looks even more drug-free than it ever has before. 

I want to cry again, but it feels like I have no tears left. “Thank you so much, Bill S. Pre- Dad S. Preston Esq .”

He smiles, still so drug free, over my shoulder. I turn around to see Ted “Theodore” Logan of Wyld Stallyns looking back at us, with Elizabeth and Joanna from Wyld Stallyns behind him.

I mentally correct myself, looking at Dad “Theodore” Logan of Wyld Stallyns, and Momlizabeth and Momanna from Wyld Stallyns. For the first time since my mom left me with my horrible abusive chain-smoking stepmom, I feel like I have a family.

It's overwhelming, the joy of belonging somewhere, and I rush in to give the four of them the most excellent group hug of my life. There's a slight delay before they realize what's happening and wrap their arms around me but when they do it feels so good. It's warm and safe and so so drug-free, and now I finally understand why the weebs at those anime cons group hug all the time. 

As we pull away from the group hug, too soon for my liking, Dad S. Preston Esq looks at me, before looking at the other members of Wyld Stallyns, addressing the group.

“Missy is coming over later today, I called her this morning and told her about her excellent new grandchild. She said she’ll visit as soon as she can.” Then, he turns to look me in the eye, addressing only me. “Guess you’ll meet your Grandmissy soon, little dude.”

I have a Grandmissy, the mother of Dad S. Preston Esq of Wyld Stallyns! I've never had a grandmother before, my dad's mom was a pirate who I never met, my mom's mom was in jail for committing arson with some guy named Deacon, and my stepmom's mom left the country when I was four because she tried to assassinate the president twice. 

I can't wait to have a family.


	3. Grandmissy

All day I was impatient, waiting for my Grandmissy to get here so I could meet her for the first time. She would be getting here in the late afternoon, so I had to wait several hours to see her! I spent that time getting familiar with the Wyld Stallyns official house, and finding out what other Wyld Stallyns limited edition merch was in my new bedroom. Occasionally, I would think I saw someone outside, but it must have been a trick of the light, because all of my new family was inside with me.

When I finally hear the doorbell ring (it's a pitched-up snippet of the Wyld Stallyns song "Station Assassinated JFK") I practically jump out of bed, slamming my door open, and running down the hallway. There, in the doorway, stands a very pretty woman with golden blonde hair. She's smiling brightly while hugging Dad S. Preston Esq and when she finally pulls away and notices me she squeals with excitement.

“You must be Y/N! I’m so excited to meet you, Bill and Ted have told me so much about you! I’m your Grandmissy!” She immediately wraps me in a hug, one of many that I had received over the course of the day. My terrible abusive alcoholic former stepmom never used to hug me, especially not as lovingly as this. I lean into it, setting my cheek on her shoulder.

I feel a little warmer when we seperate and watch as she digs into her purse for something. 

"Oh! Here it is!" Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns hands me something, pressing it into my palm. "A gift for my new grandchild."

I look down at my hand and oh. It's a photo of Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns smiling brightly at the camera. Her autograph sits in the corner alongside the words "Welcome to the family Y/N! Love you!!". My heart has never felt so full.

"Turn it over!" 

On the other side, there’s design plans. I don’t know a lot about sewing, but it looks like an official Wyld Stallyns New Kid Tour tee-shirt design. I beam at Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns, because she designs all the Wyld Stallyns official merch. This must mean they are going to make merch for me!

“Thank you so much, Grandmissy! I love it!” I say, before she wraps me into another hug. After we hug for about half an hour I hear Dad S. Preston Esq clear his throat. My attention shifts so that it's focused on him and I can see him eating a green foam football.

"Y/N, dude, your Grandmissy and I had the most excellent idea we'd like to share with you." he says in between bites. "But we'll have to meet up with the others first." 

Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns nods and grabs my wrist, leading me into the living room. She's practically buzzing with energy and it feels a little contagious. 

The first thing I notice upon entering the living room is Dad "Theodore" Logan asleep on the couch. There's a box of pizza balanced across his chest and Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns and Momanna from Wyld Stallyns are each holding a slice. 

When we enter the room, Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns hits Dad “Theordore” Logan on the head with a pillow, and he startles awake. He looks around the room, confused, until his eyes land on us standing in the doorway and he gives us one of his drug-free smiles. 

“Hey little dude, hey Missy, hey my most esteemed husband. Are we ready to make some merch?”

Oh my god! I look down at the design plans in my hand and raise one eyebrow inquisitively, watching as all five of them nod. Dad S. Preston Esq reaches for something from behind the couch and pulls out a box of fabric and other art supplies. He hands it to me and I place it on the table closest to the window and-

Wait. Was that a man I saw run by the window? I do a double take, scanning the yard for any sights of a mysterious stalker, but just end up shrugging and returning my focus back to the custom merch after coming up empty handed.

I look down at the art supplies. There’s glitter glue, sequins, googly eyes, pipe cleaner; all the stuff you need to make Wyld Stallyns official merch. I place the design/photo of Grandmissy down on the table, smoothing it out so I can see all the details. From where she’s standing above me, I hear Momanna from Wyld Stallyns make a noise of approval.

“These designs look most triumphant, Missy. They’ll work great for our Wyld Stallyns New Kid tour.” She says.

The six of us get to work immediately, cutting squares of fabric and tossing containers of glitter back and forth. I can hear Dad "Theodore" Logan yelp a couple of times from stabbing himself with the needle, but that eventually stops once Dad S. Preston Esq takes over sewing for him.

Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns is seated at my left and offers to help me whenever I get a bit stuck. She makes sure all my seams are straight and all my eyes are googly. It's weird having a grandmother there to do these things for me, but it's weird in a really, really nice way. 

Eventually, due to our combined efforts, we’re able to make five whole shirts! More than enough to last Wyld Stallyns during their tour. When we’re finished, Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns goes to get plates from the Wyld Stallyns official kitchen, and we start dishing out the pizza. As I eat my third slice of pizza, Dad “Theodore” Logan turns to ask me something.

“You want to help us write the songs for the New Kid Tour, little dude?” he says. I’m stunned. I love writing, but every time my nasty bitch of an ex-stepmom caught me writing something, she’d grab the paper out of my hands and tear it up into a million little pieces.

I nod excitedly, too happy to manage to let any words out. I move to stand up and get started with writing, but Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns places a hand on my shoulder before I can fully get up.

"Your shirt, Y/N." She hands me our collaborative masterpiece of a shirt and I slip it on over my head. Something feels off though.

I take the shirt back off and reach for a pair of scissors. My five family members watch in awe as I make the most perfectly cropped crop top in all of history. Crop tops are always better than full shirts in my opinion. Not only are they twice as fashionable, they also help save lives. 

I grab a Wyld Stallyns official gel pen, and a Bill S. Preston Esq and Ted “Theodore” Logan official notebook. Then, I start to work on the song. The lyrics flow out of my mind onto the page, written in the electric blue ink of the gel pen. Before I know it, Wyld Stallyns’ new song, “Chyld of Wyld Stallyns”, is complete. I set the notebook back down on the table, confident in my work.

"Woah," the five of them say in unison after reading my masterpiece of a song. Dad "Theodore" Logan and Dad S. Preston Esq both reach their arms out, asking for a hug, and I happily oblige. I can hear Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns start to speak behind me.

"That was truly one of the best songs I've ever heard, Y/N." 

"Indeed! It was most exquisite!" Momanna from Wyld Stallyns adds.

I go to pull away from my group hug to thank them, but Dad "Theodore" Logan stops me.

"Little dude, I think an event like this calls for an air guitar."

I gasp. To be included in one of Wyld Stallyns’ signature fizzle rocks-free air guitars? It’s been a dream I’ve had my whole life. At the same time, all of the members of Wyld Stallyns and I break into a truly non-heinous air guitar, while Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns watches in delight. I don’t want the day to end, but when we’re done air guitaring, I bring my hand up to my face to cover my yawn.

“Tired, little dude?” Dad S. Preston Esq says, “Makes sense, today has been most exciting and eventful.”

"A little," I reply and he nods, stepping to the side so Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns can step past him.

"It was so nice to meet you." she says into my hair as she wraps me in yet another hug, and I'm so caught up in the warmth of her embrace that this hug lasts an hour and fifteen minutes. It's Dad S. Preston Esq who eventually pulls her away from me, a half eaten football in his free hand.

"Goodnight!" everybody calls out to me.

"Goodnight!" I shout back before turning on my heel and making my way back to my bedroom.

I shut the door behind me, hearing everyone else go to their rooms in the hallway outside. I walk over to my Wyld Stallyns x IKEA dresser, and pull out the Wyld Stallyns official pajama set. I get changed into my PJs, pulling the beanie off my head and shaking my hair out.

I pull back the sheets on my Wyld Stallyns x IKEA bed, and am almost asleep when I hear the sound of glass breaking. I sit up in bed. What could that be? Maybe Dad “Theordore” Logan accidentally knocked over a picture frame. Before I can completely reassure myself though, I hear a scuffle in the hallway outside my room, almost as if someone’s being dragged down it.

I get up, walk over to the door and fling it open. There’s nothing in the hallway, nobody there. The only thing out of place is the broken picture frame of the photo of someone cosplaying Abe Lincoln from Clone High. I feel my panic begin to die down. My first instinct was right, Dad “Theodore” Logan must have just knocked it over.

I start to close the door, but just before I shut it, I hear a shout from somewhere else in the house, and the sound of the garage door opening.


	4. Grandpa Rufus

By the time I shoot out of bed and sprint down the hallway Dad "Theodore'' Logan, Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns, Momanna from Wyld Stallyns, and Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns are already standing in the living room together. Dad "Theodore" Logan is clutching a broken photo, the absolutely gender picture of Abe Lincoln from Clone High cosplayer doing a kegstand. He's ugly crying into the picture, probably getting snot all over poor Lincoln's hat. Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns has a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. 

Momanna from Wyld Stallyns is the first person to notice me standing in the doorway. She walks over to me, grabs my hand and leads me to the rest of the family. “Oh, Y/N, are you alright? You aren’t hurt, are you?”

“What? Why would I be hurt? What’s happening?” I say, trying to make sense of the scene before me. Dad “Theodore” Logan stops crying, and starts to say something to me, but is cut off by a new wave of tears. Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns pulls him into a hug, muffling his sobs so the rest of us can hear each other.

"It's your dad, Y/N." Momanna from Wyld Stallyns continues.

"Billiam's missing." Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns adds.

"HE'S BEEN DUDENAPPED DUDE!" Dad "Theodore" Logan pulls away from Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns' grip long enough to look me in the eyes and scream. She pulls him back in, running her fingers through his hair.

"For realsies?" The two female members of Wyld Stallyns nod, gesturing to my left where I could clearly see a shattered window. 

The glass shattering sound I heard earlier, it wasn’t the photo frame breaking, it was someone breaking in! Someone who kidnapped Dad S. Preston Esq! I sit down on the couch, processing the news. To think, someone came into our house and kidnapped our Dad S. Preston Esq of Wyld Stallyns! I haven’t felt this awful since my horrible abusive chain-smoking son of bitch ex-stepmom put out her cigarette on my Wyld Stallyns poster yesterday morning.

Before I can ask any more questions, I hear a strange sound from outside. Dad “Theodore” Logan, Momanna from Wyld Stallyns, and Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns all lift their heads in recognition.

We all watch in awe as the door knob turns and the door opens, revealing a mysterious man in a cool coat and hot pink star-shaped sunglasses. 

"Rufus!" I hear Dad "Theodore" Logan gasp and he immediately detaches himself from Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns' arms, instead barrelling towards the man. 

The man catches him with an "oof", readjusting himself before patting Dad "Theodore" Logan on the back in comfort.

"I'm afraid we have a predicament on our hands, amigos." the man says.

"I know, Rufus, dude!" Dad "Theodore" Logan exclaims. "Bill's been dudenapped!"

The man, Rufus (who I'm assuming, based on Dad "Theodore" Logan's behavior is my Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns), takes off his star sunglasses, pockets them, and switches them out for a neon green peace sign-shaped pair before continuing.

“I noticed a disruption in the timestream, and came right away. You said Bill was kidnapped?” he says, while Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns comes over and tries to wipe some of the snot that Dad “Theodore” Logan got on Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns' coat off.

“Dudenapped, but same thing really.” Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns pipes up from across the room.

Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns, nods his head once and looks around the room before his eyes land on me. “Well, I don’t recall meeting this excellent friend of yours last time I was here.”

He slowly detaches Dad “Theodore” Logan from himself and hands him over to Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns so that he can walk over and sit on the couch next to me.

"I have a suspicion of who might've done this." Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns begins. He has all of our attention now, well, all except Dad "Theodore" Logan, who's still bawling into Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns' shoulder.

"Whoever did this has to have some kind of grudge against you. They needed motivation for dudenapping Bill after all." 

A collective gasp fills the room.

"Station!"

"Station?!?!"

"Station dudenapped my husband???"no

Station! From the Wyld Stallyns hit song “The Ass that Killed JFK”? I thought that they were dead, in the song Dad S. Preston Esq sings about how they were assassinated for their crimes. How could they have dudenapped him if they’re dead?

Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns, comes over to me and grabs my hand, looking me in the eye, “Don’t worry, Y/N. We’ll get your dad back.”

Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns, looks a little startled, “You mean this is Y/N?” he looks at Dad “Theodore” Logan for confirmation, who lifts his head up to nod before continuing to sob into Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns' shoulder.

I turn towards Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns, who does the same. He reaches forward to shake my hand. “Well, it’s nice to meet you Y/N, I’m Rufus. I wish it could have been under better circumstances.”

I take his hand in mine and give him the firmest, most professional handshake of my life. He takes off his peace sign sunglasses and slips them onto my face, reaching into his pocket for a blue heart shaped pair.

"Where can we find Station?" Momanna from Wyld Stallyns asks him, as I'm in too much shock over the gift to speak.

"And Billiam?" says Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns.

Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns stands up, his expression growing even more serious.

"The abandoned Circle K." he answers."Where else?"

Dad “Theodore” Logan finally stops crying, moving away from Grandmissy, Mom of Wyd Stallyns towards Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns. “You think you’ll be able to get Bill back?”

Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns nods. “If we don’t get him back, then Wyld Stallyns will never write the song that unites the universe, so we have to do it, for the fate of humanity. Also, Bill is my friend too, and I don’t want him to be hurt.”

Then, he turns to me. I fidget under his stare, unsure what I would have to do with any of this.

“We’ll need your help, Y/N. Something tells me that you’ll play a very important role in helping us get Bill back.” he says.

"Me?" He nods.

"I don't give my sunglasses to just anyone, amigo."

Woah. I feel like an anime girl with sparkles in her eyes when I look up at him with wonder.

"We have to hurry, though. The fate of the universe depends on rescuing Bill."

All six of us rush to file out the door, Momanna from Wyld Stallyns being the one to remember to grab the keys to the van. Something catches my eye on the way to the van, though, and I stop.

"Is that a phonebooth?"

The five of them stop as well, turning their attention towards me, and I'm bombarded with replies.

"What?"

"Don't worry about that."

"It's not important."

"No; It's not."

"Woah! Rufus, dude, you brought the phonebooth!"

Before I can question it any further, Momanna from Wyld Stallyns unlocks the van and turns back to us. “Okay, who’s driving?”

Dad “Theodore” Logan pipes up from behind me, “Not me duder, Bill’s always the one who drives, I don’t know how.”

Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns clears his throat. “I don't know either, we don’t have cars in the future.”

Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns, walks forward and takes the keys. “I’ll drive. Okay! Everyone get in!”


	5. Saving Dad S. Preston Esq

As we drove to the abandoned Circle K, I felt anxiety twist in my stomach. Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns, said that I would play a role in getting Dad S. Preston Esq back. But what if I mess it up? We don’t even really have a plan, what if I do something wrong and ruin everything! My thoughts are cut off by the van coming to a stop. Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns, turns around in her seat to address us. 

“What’s the plan? Because I don’t know how much I can do to help, I’ve never had to face off against Station before.”

Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns clears her throat, “Theodore, Joanna, Missy, and I will all try to find and free William, while Rufus and Y/N distract Station. Rufus has had the most experience with Station’s villainy.”

I nod, feeling my throat tighten up in fear. The only thing I really know about Station is that they possess the fattest, juiciest, most epic ass in the entire universe, and the thought of having to come face to face with that is terrifying. 

Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns hops out of the van first, opening the door for me. He switches his sunglasses yet again, this time to a pair resembling two giant ladybugs. 

"Are you ready, Y/N?" he asks, and I gulp, nodding yet again. 

"Wait, dudes." Dad "Theodore" Logan steps out of the van next, stopping us before we can make our way towards Circle K. 

"We have to air guitar first. You know, for good luck." 

It might not be the triumphant occasion that an air guitar usually demands, but the six of us all gave our best, most drug-free air guitars before heading inside. Dad “Theodore” Logan, Momanna from Wyld Stallyns, Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns, and Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns all head towards the back entrance, while Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns and I walk towards the front doors.

When we walk inside, the first thing I notice is Dad S. Preston Esq. He’s in the back corner, by the slushie machines, in a large birdcage. If I look close enough, over the wedding dress that Station must have put him in for some reason, I can see that he isn’t wearing his usual crop top. So that’s why he was kidnapped! He didn’t have a crop top on, and crop tops save lives!

Before I can go over to help him, I hear a noise to my left that has me and Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns, whirling around. Could it be Station? I didn’t expect to see the biggest ass in the universe so soon. However, when the figure, cloaked in shadows, turns around, I’m shocked to find it’s someone I know.

“Mr. Andrews?”

Fred Andrews looks up at the sound of my voice, recognition in his expression. “Jughead Jones?”

"Not anymore." I say, and I notice the confusion evident on both Fred Andrews' and Dad S. Preston Esq's face. "I stopped going by that name once my mom remarried. My bitch of a chain-smoking, coke-snorting, molly-addicted stepmom never deserved to call me that. And neither do you." 

"Your name isn't Y/N, little dude?" Dad S. Preston Esq asks from where he's sitting cross-legged in the cage. He shifts slightly, readjusting the skirt of his dress. 

I shake my head, feeling a little guilty. "No, Dad S. Preston Esq, it's not." I can feel Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns place a hand on my shoulder, keeping me firmly in place. 

"As touching as this is, I believe we have a larger issue at hand here, Jughead." He gestures to Fred Andrews, who's posed rather maliciously next to Dad S. Preston Esq's cage. That's when I notice it. He's wearing a suit, and there's a box of what looks like rings in his hand.

"Are you marrying my dad?" 

Fred Andrews laughs, straightening the front of his Wyld Stallyns Official Wedding Suit. “You’ve missed a lot in Riverdale since you left with your mom, Jughead. You might know that your dad remarried last year, but do you know to who?” 

He bangs his fist on the bars of the cage, making Dad S. Preston Esq jump a little. “Marko TheLostBoys! And Paul TheLostBoys. My own best friend, FP Jones, got married to two of the guys we have been seeing since the nineties. I tried to stop the wedding, but the only thing that got me was expelled from their special little group. Archie won’t even talk to me anymore! He says he wishes that the bear was back! If I can’t have someone who looks exactly like Bill S. Preston Esq, then I might as well have the real thing. He’s the only person in the world who hasn’t betrayed me! And soon, he’ll be my husband, forever.”

“But he’s already my husband, dude.” Dad “Theodore” Logan says, standing next to Dad S. Preston Esq, who left the unlocked cage while Fred Andrews was talking.

Fred Andrews whips his head around, eyes narrowing when he sees Dad "Theodore" Logan. 

"Nuh-uh." he says.

"Yuh-huh." Dad "Theodore" Logan counters.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh!" Fred Andrews shouts, and this time he punctates it with a whistle. A small creature with the biggest booty I've ever witnessed hobbles out from behind the slushie machine, and I can see murder in their eyes. "Not if Station has anything to say about it!"

I gasp, grabbing at the sleeves of Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns' coat in fear. He reaches into his pocket with his free hand and hands me something. 

"It's your time, amigo. You know what to do."

I look down at the object in my hand, noticing that it's a banana. By now all the members and family of Wyld Stallyns are staring at me in anticipation, wide-eyed and hopeful. This banana could be life or death. I peel it and take a bite.

I’ve never been good at sports, but it must be a miracle, or the spirit of Wyld Stallyns running through me, because I throw the banana directly into Station’s path. Station trips, sliding on the banana peel, crashing into a box of old chips, completely destroying their huge ass. Station has been defeated, once again.

Fred Andrews falls to his knees at the sight of his dead companion. His face twists up in rage, and it seems like he’s about to scream something before Dad “Theodore” Logan interrupts him. 

“Way to go, Jughead!” he says, before turning to Dad S. Preston Esq, “Bill, I’m so glad you’re okay, I was a mess when I thought you were gone. I love you, dude.”

Dad S. Preston Esq gives him the most drug-free smile I’ve ever seen, “I love you too, Ted”

They kiss, but the sweet moment is interrupted by Fred Andrews making a loud sound, like a mix between a howl and a shriek, before falling.

"You, you betrayed me too. My love," He coughs, his words barely louder than a whisper, and faints.

"You did it, Jughead!" Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns says, and his words are followed by a chorus of whoops and hollers. All of my new family rushes towards me, swallowing me in a massive group hug.

They're all smiling and laughing, and it isn't long before I'm smiling and laughing too. Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns is the one who pulls away first.

"Wait. Bill, how'd you get out?"

He pulls away after her, smoothing the skirt of his dress and readjusting the top of it before responding. "Station's sidekick forgot to lock it, dude." 

"Oh," everyone responds, nodding in understanding. 

"Oh, wait again!" Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns cuts in. "Who were these 'TheLostBoys' people Station's sidekick was talking about?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "I bet they're ugly though. Especially Marko TheLostBoys, that's a most hideous name."

Dad S. Preston Esq hums in agreement.

Everybody rushes back in for yet another group hug, staying huddled together for just under an hour. This time it's Momanna from Wyld Stallyns who detaches herself first.

"It's almost dinner time." she says, gesturing to the sunset visible from the nearby window. "We should be heading home." 

Everyone nods in agreement.

“Being dudenapped did make me work up quite the appetite.” Dad S. Preston Esq says.

Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns, grabs the keys out of her pocket and unlocks the van, waiting for everyone to get in before hopping into the driver’s seat and pulling out of the parking lot.

I look around at my family, finally all together here, in the Wyld Stallyns official van. I love them all, Dad S. Preston Esq, Dad “Theodore” Logan, Momlizabeth from Wyld Stallyns, Momanna from Wyld Stallyns, Grandmissy, Mom of Wyld Stallyns, and Grandpa Rufus, Dad of Wyld Stallyns. And I know that they love me, Jughead Jones-TheLostBoys iof Wyld Stallyns, just as much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey:) howdy:) heyyyy:)  
> i hope y'all enjoyed this nightmare fest kate n I loved writing it especially the twist ending so we hope y'all enjoyed reading it just as much  
> so sorry to any riverdale fans who might've found this praying for y'all


End file.
